I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
You Might Also Like
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.