Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

*seductively eats two tums*

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.