Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

My dad is at it again

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.