Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.