Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed