I’m calling the cops.
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requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Always
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom