Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.