Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.