I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
You Might Also Like
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I just ran a .003048K
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
“Why you watching this shit?”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward