“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
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People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?