“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
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For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
