“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
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Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Xylophonist Shredding It
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?