Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

I just love that new Pope smell.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

me when i see my girls butt

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

boat question

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.