Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.