i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
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*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Dumple
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal