Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

He wanted to make sure😂

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now