I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
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If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Tapped in
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course