I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
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My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Can confirm.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Home is where your toilet is.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse