I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
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Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year