I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
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me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Goat cheese is for herders.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.