Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

Anyone want a chair?

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.