I’m choking laughing omfg ππππππππππ
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My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. Iβm sweating just looking at him.
My bumper sticker says βMy kid is your honor studentβs drug dealer.β
Breaking news:
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I canβt find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
i donβt want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Monday?
No. Next question.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Writers will call anything menacing and Iβm just supposed to accept it. βA menacing windβ βa menacing howl in the distanceβ. Just say youβre scared of wind and corgis. Donβt try to convince me itβs reasonable.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
βWhen I was your age, I already owned a houseβ
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.