Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )