Iβm choking laughing omfg ππππππππππ
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My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
Whatβs a zombieβs favorite weather?
A brainstorm.Iβve never been more proud.
Sarah Palinβs new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
this independent good boy donβt need no human
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
3 (calls out): daddy Iβm cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok thatβs a mob
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
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βIf youβre having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.β -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes itβs a boy.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. Youβre failing now. Youβre not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other peopleβs phones.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Always trust your dogβs first impression of someone.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you canβt even name one of their songs
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like βSorry you got your joke explained to you.β
Sheβs a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever β hang on, being told thatβs a tent.
Finding $5 you didnβt know you had is awesome til you realize youβre 34, itβs 2011 & $5 wonβt even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
*writes βPlace sacrifice hereβ on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[Swedenβs famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
lawyer: be careful β now that youβve won the lottery, youβre suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg iβm gonna have friends?!
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said βlasagnaβ
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
βHe sure seems like a nice young manβ is Grandma-speak for βIβd totally hit that.β
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Donβt do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
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