Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.