Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

peep davidson

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.