Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

SPLOOT

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

im gay on my mothers side

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂