I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
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CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time