I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
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I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
When news reporters do sports stories
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”