Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

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The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.