I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
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My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Home #decor warning.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.