Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

Owl Sanctuary

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

My wife has the worst taste in men.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*