Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.