I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
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COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
This is my bus stop.
but that was my emotional support daylight
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣