Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

me watching my own Instagram story

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.