I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
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jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Ah..makes sense now
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.