I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
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My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
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Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok