I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
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I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
A little too much information.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
ibopfufen
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”