I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
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it takes so much energy
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!