I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
You Might Also Like
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.