I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
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Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.