I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
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