Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

our love story in four pictures

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

🤣😈🤣

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

you gotta be faster