I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
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This one never gets the credit it deserves
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.