I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
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My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
the simulation is moving too fast
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
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ME: finally a program for me