Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

🐟✨ #re4

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”