@dafloydsta

I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.

You Might Also Like

@lilnatebigworld

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

@English_Channel

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

@Marcmywords2

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

@TragicAllyHere

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

@audipenny

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

@tiffanyaneal

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Me: I find pregnant women attractive.

She: But I’m not pregnant.

Me: Gimme a few minutes.

@sarcasticmommy4

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

@weinerdog4life

My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.