I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
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Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Ken is short for chicken
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Seals are just dog mermaids.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
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My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Put my back out twerking in the library again