I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.

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“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*


[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!


“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.


*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them


[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know


*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*


Me: I find pregnant women attractive.

She: But I’m not pregnant.

Me: Gimme a few minutes.


If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.


My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.