“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”
Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.
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[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
If I was any hungrier Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would adopt me.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Me: I find pregnant women attractive.
She: But I’m not pregnant.
Me: Gimme a few minutes.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.