Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!