I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
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During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Do ducks feel sad?
No, they feel “down”cast.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes