I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
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if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
If I ignore life will it go away?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television