I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
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My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*