I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
a fate I wish upon no one
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up