@Julian_Deane

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

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@Staggfilms

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

@stacywawa1

In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed

In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach

@GianDoh

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

@chuuew

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

@NickC46

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

@krisv_723

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

@stephenjmolloy

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

@BrandandCo

I feel like Neil deGrasse Tyson would be the most annoying person in the world to watch Space Jam with