I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
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Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
couldn’t resist
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Happy Taco Tuesday
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha