Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

motivation

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.