I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
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Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.