Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

Buck naked

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”