I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
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Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind