I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
wtf is an acronym
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?