Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

😾

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.