I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
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“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state