I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
@funTweeters
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
*launders Kohls cash*
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.