I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
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Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
#Caturday
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.