I’m confused about plants
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WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”