I’m confused about plants
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I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Breaking news:
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.