I’m confused about plants
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It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
pls suprot
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
This meal prepping shit easy
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.