I’m confused about plants
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You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.