I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
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My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine