I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check