Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”