Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

oh u like history? name everything that happened

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding