I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
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Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
neighborhood watch
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?