Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle