I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
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The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.