I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.


Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.


The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.


A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide


when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something


Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it


me: siri tell me a joke

siri: *turns on front facing camera*


Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .


[to baby crying for 45 mins]


Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?