I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

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Rule: Grown men should not use “lol” in a convo with another male.


The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.


[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?


Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime


I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.


There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.


me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling


In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you’re trying to explain directions to an old man.