@CrankyPappy

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

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@Cheeseboy22

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

@good_one_rick

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

@joshgondelman

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

@DanMentos

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

@ramenfuneral

when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something

@david8hughes

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

@UgIyPPL

me: siri tell me a joke

siri: *turns on front facing camera*

@cambuslad

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

@david8hughes

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

@FxckManny

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me: