“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
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Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Go hard or stay average
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
Wolves should really raise more people.
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.