Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

Am I having a stroke?

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.