I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
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Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I’d … I’d rather not.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir