I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
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I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad