I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
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If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
This one, by a wide margin
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.