I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.